Seeing who you are

10:03 AM


I think we all sometimes idealize who we are. We have these scenarios in our heads of how what we would do we would react if....
  Much of it is a dilution, I think. Perhaps brought on from watching too many movies or reading too many books? Not sure. I have always been one who loves to put myself in the place of the heroine either from a movie or book and play it all out differently. Or the same. Depending on if I liked the ending.
  This used to be my favorite form of playing. Forget the dolls. I couldn't figure out what to do with them. Instead I would dress up and play act for hours in my room alone. I was always embarrassed if someone found me, but being found out never kept me from continuing. I continue to do this, though with fewer customers made from twisting up sheets and blankets and far less actual acting out as many people are uncomfortable around a person who spontaneously starts morphing into different characters, though I do have to give kudos to the hand-free inventors as I can always pretend I am on the phone. At least I can do that in my car.
  Don't worry too much about me, usually of this in my head actually morphs onto paper.  As far as I know none of my children nor my husband are afraid for my sanity....
  So, the other day when I listened to a story which was part of my New Year's resolution to become better at planning and organizing and getting my dreams done, I was a bit stunned when I found myself being real with...myself. One should always be careful when doing that. The results can be a bit devastating.
  Terri Savelle Foy was telling a story about this Alpine hike that many companies and groups do as a way to build camaraderie and such. Team building. They get together, get excited to get to the top and start the hike up this gorgeous mountain. Halfway up they stop at the Alpine restaurant there, nestled in between the trees and flowers and wide open sky and have a filling lunch and hot coffee before they set out for the rest of the hike to reach the top. Amazingly enough less than half of the people who were so excited to get to the top only a few hours before, decide to go with the hike. It is not a strenuous hike, and yet once they are comfortable in the Alpine lodge they don't want to go back out.
  Amazing, right? I mean, wouldn't you want the victory photo of getting to the top? Of saying that you climbed a mountain?
   I agreed that they were so silly for settling just because they had a cup of coffee and then I suddenly heard a small voice in my head of: wouldn't you?
   Boom. I smack right into the back of a car ahead of me.
   Actually, I didn't. Not really. But I felt like I had because I was stunned by the truth of that statement. I am totally the person who would be persuaded to not go on. It would only take a few people to say that they were going to stay in the lodge for me to be all, "Yea, did enough of that. Who wants another coffee?"
   The truth hit me so hard and it actually hurt. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to continually settle. How sad would it be to be in the mountains of Switzerland, a place you probably won't ever go back to, and not finish the hike? And yet I could see myself clearly not doing it. And then regretting it.
  It wasn't just the fact that I would be the percentage of people who settled that hurt me. It was also the knowledge that I wouldn't do it and yet I would regret it. I would regret it for years and years and go over and over it in my head about how stupid I was for not finishing the hike.
   Which got me to thinking about the possible other places in my life that I settled and didn't go forward because of so many reasons: I was comfortable where I was, I was scared, it wasn't easy to go forward, everyone said I couldn't do it, I wanted to play the victim card a bit longer, etc.
   Geez. It was enough to shut a girl down. So I stopped thinking about it.
  Who can change the past, right? But we can change the future. While I wish I were naturally the type of person who just never settled and always got her goals done, at least I can humble myself enough to learn. Sometimes. Sometimes I can humble myself enough to learn. Or to admit my weaknesses. At least to the internet and that hazy fog of readers out there that I can pretend didn't just read a secret of mine.
   While I am still a bit disappointed in myself that it took a strange, obscure story about an Alpine hike to make my realize that I am a settler (I know, get over yourself, Kat. I'm sure that is what you are saying, but truly, this impacted me THAT much. Again I warn, the truth can really smack the breath out of ya. Proceed with caution.) I am glad that the story will forever stick in my head, reminding me to never settle. I think it will work better for the big, physical mountains, but I am going to try and use it for the more abstract, non-physical as well. For how are we to ever finish any goal if we settle every time we get a bit comfortable?
   This year I am finishing each hike. No excuses. Not even poor memory as an excuse. I will hike the mountain, skip the coffee if necessary to keep on track and then I will stake the flag after waving it for an obnoxious amount of time in your face.
   Prepare to be uprooted past settlements. It's time to finish the hike.
  Truth can be hard, but the end results can be out of this world, or so I am expecting. I'll let you know it that is the truth in a few month's time.

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