Contentment

1:43 PM

For the past few years, especially around this time of the year and even more especially in the "mom" circles around this time of year I have heard people talking about contentment.

Learning to be content with their jobs (inside or out of the home).

Learning to be content with their husbands or marriage.

Learning to be content with the state of their house.

Learning to be content....blah, blah, blah.

And I actually felt bad at first that I hadn't thought of learning to be content. While I have not always been the hardest studier or the hardest worker (I quit my first few jobs for really stupid reasons....like, um, I've got a basketball game I wanna go to because this guy is really hot and I want to see him play.....yeah, sixteen year old me....SHUT UP!) But I have never been really content with where my life was at. I wanted to push harder. While there were periods that I was like "Oh my gahhhhh! Just try to accept that being a mom is hard and your apartment is tiny and you have no time!!!!" So I tried.

I really tried.

But it just ended up pissing me off. Well, not at first. At first I was content. I put writing books away and said I wouldn't pick it up again for a few years because simply trying to find the time to write was making me mad. So I allowed myself to put it away. Which was okay and something I needed to do. But then it wasn't okay because I had the rights back to my book that was never marketed and I had stories in my head and I needed to write but couldn't find time and everyone was telling me to try and learn to be content but I wasn't content with the fact that I couldn't find time to read or felt bad when I did or find time to write or felt bad when I did or find time to even put lotion on because I kept telling myself that I needed to learn to be content with not having the time right now to do that because it was more important to play legos with my kids and I just found myself slipping into resentment.

Which is NOT the same as contentment.

At all.

Perhaps I took all the contentment content in the wrong way. But seriously the blogs and posts and articles about learning to be content with small kids was ruining my life.

Because I don't think contentment is really what people are looking for, even those who authored those articles and posts. Contentment means to be "satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

I don't know about you but I am not content. I want more. I want more than just cleaning toilets. I want more than just telling myself stories as I cook. I want more than getting by in French. I want more than looking at a book on my night stand. I want more than always being late. I want more than just going to church twice a year. I want more than self-publishing and getting lost in the slush pile of amazon.com.

And I don't think that's bad. And now that I am good with not being content I am much ...happier, of all things, which is what I think those who are trying to reach contentment are actually talking about. Because changing yourself, pushing yourself, moving things forward and encouraging others to do the same is good. We humans are not meant to stay the same or to stop moving. We are to constantly be moving and to be moving FORWARD. So no, I am not content. But I am happy now that I don't feel the need to BE content!



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