In the Mirror

2:40 AM

   When I look in the mirror what do I see?


  Sometimes I am surprised by how thin my features are now. In my face, I mean. My cheeks are slimmer. With no more baby fat on them they are begging for some fancy-schmancy face smear with collagen or some other such promise to fatten my skin cells and look younger.

  I don't think I look old. Especially not as old as I thought 31 would look like when I was 20. I certainly don't FEEL like I thought 31 would feel. I hardly feel even grown up yet! And supposedly I have been an adult for 13 years!

   When I take a step closer I see green eyes that are flecked by blue and brown. I see dark lashes that I always wished were longer than they are, but that take mascara quite well as a substitute. I see a nose that more and more looks like my father's nose. It isn't the pretties, or the daintiest, but it isn't something I detest. It is the mark of my father which I am proud of. Having missed him in my life for 20 years I am soothed by the idea that I have always had him in me, that in every picture I can see him with that one little part of me right in the middle of my face.

  Then there are my lips. Not very full, but not too thin either. Queenie somehow inherited the lips that I always prayed for. But at 31 I have come to not notice so much. Going down to my chin I see something I was always proud of: a strong jawline with no double business. There are those two odd black hairs that I have to yank out once a month, but that is easily taken care of and funny to joke about. "My witch's stubble" we call it.

  I take a step back and take a general turn around the mirror with my eyes. There is my hair, straight, medium length, that looks good some days and looks hideous others. It seems to be the luck of the draw with me as every hair trick I learn I can't quite seem to perfect or get the same even each time I do it.

  I see a woman who takes the time to do the minimum, but rarely takes the time to go all out. Every few months she gets back on track and puts on makeup every day, does her hair and starts a daily facial routine. That usually happens around springtime for some reason.....

  The woman in the mirror (thank God) has lost that "look" in her eyes. That hidden haunting look that she tried for too long to cover up. While I think this woman actually smiles less and frowns more (given away by the crease that is starting to be etched in the middle of her forehead) inside, in her mind, she is trying to change that. Perhaps being on time is not that important. Perhaps she needs to let go of the cooking/cleaning routine and be a bit more carefree. Perhaps she takes this motherhood business a bit too seriously.

  Perhaps.

  But when I see this woman in the mirror I know one thing: she certainly still has faults but at the end of the day she is happy, content, proud. And that is all that matters, right?

  What about you? What do you see when you look in the mirror?

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