Two year check-up

4:13 AM

Doc: "How are things going? How is little Firecracker."
Me: "Good. Things are going well. No, honey, you can't have that right now. Shhh, we are talking to the doctor and then we will get our toys out."
Firecracker: "I want. I WANT!"
Doc: "Now, Firecracker. You need to be quiet. We are going to see how well you are doing."
Firecracker: "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Now, us two adults talk over the screaming.

"Does she do this often?"

"WHHAAAAAAAA!"

"Everyday. Usually three, four times a day. Mostly when it is time to get dressed and cartoon time is over. I think I possibly allow her to watch too much t.v., but seriously, sometimes I just need her to be absorbed in something else. Is five hours of television too much?"

"And what do you do when she is like this?"

"Put her in the corner. Then I go to my own corner and cry because by that time I have probably been listening to screaming for too long. Either that or my own child has tried to scratch my eyes out with her bare hands. I go to my own corner to collect myself. I try to stay calm but the other day I yelled at her for peeing on the floor. I know, bad mom, but she was throwing food on the ground, so I put her in the corner, then she peed in the corner and ERRRRRR, I was nice again once I retold myself that it certainly isn't worth getting mad about."

"How much milk does she drink. You know she shouldn't drink too much."

"How much milk? Well, we go through about a liter and a half a day. Maybe more. And I don't drink milk. Principe rarely does. Queenie does drink one cup a day, maybe a little more. So, to answer your question, according to French standards, she officially drinks too much milk a day. But, it is the only way I can get her to sit in a stroller ever and it is how I keep hunger tantrums at bay when picking her up from daycare or picking her sister up or going to the store or coming home from the park, etc."

"Are you going to stop crying, Firecracker? How doe she eat?"

"When she isn't "dropping" her food on the floor or telling me, "This I NO LIKE IT!" she eats pretty well. Of course, if her sister decides not to eat then Firecracker doesn't eat. She eats ice cream really well. And chocolate. Easter Monday she ate about 20 chocolate eggs so that's something, right?"

"And she eats everything?"

"Mostly. Except for fruit. Won't touch the stuff. I have to hide it in the gallons of milk she drinks a day. The other day I gave her strawberries but she dropped them one by one on the floor before I saw and could stop her."

"Okay, come her Firecracker. Can you build a block tower for me? And knock it down. That one you are good at. Very good. And she can get up on things and get down?"

"The other day I found her standing on the coffee table. She got down just fine when she saw me coming. I have also intercepted her from climbing onto the piano. Apparently the bench is not good enough and the other day I saw her contemplate the fireplace mantel from atop the couch. So, yes, she can climb."

"What about sleeping?"

"Thank goodness that is finally under control. Have I told you that every time she wakes up at night I cave in and give her a bottle? I'm just too sleepy. I know it is against your way of doing things, but she learned to sleep through the night by herself just fine. She is now in a big girl bed and loves it. Thinks she is big now."

"And potty training? Is she interested?"

"Interested in wearing panties, yes. Interested in not peeing in them? Not so much. She sometimes refuses to sit on the potty only to pee on the floor a second later and then gets mad at me for showering the stinky pee off her legs. Sometimes I can bribe her with chocolate or candy though."

"But you limit sugar intake, right? She doesn't eat a lot of candy or cake?"

"Um, she DEMANDS candy and chocolate on a regular basis and I don't know you if you remember he volume of voice she has (as you heard just a few minutes ago) but that just needs to be avoided sometimes. Her father can never say no and sometimes I just need her to walk faster or pick up her toys or pee on the freakin' pot, ya know?"
......oh, if only we told the truth to our doctors......what they would think of us......!

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