Destiny

7:17 AM

Lately I have become obsessed with the idea of my destiny. At age thirty, across the sea from where I grew up, with two kids in tow and a curly-headed husband I am thinking every day about what I should do with my future. What does my future have in store for me? And I ask this selfishly because I am really only thinking about me and my career. Thinking about the family and such isn't in here. Taking a moment for myself, people.
      A lot of influence for these thoughts is coming from Terri Savelle Foy, who is a great inspirational speaker who travels all over the world speaking to women. Her main topic is self-worth and focusing on the future. So, obviously this is going to start spinning circle through my head!
    I know that my destiny today holds cleaning two poopy butts, making dinner, bathing two girls, possibly ironing, maybe getting a few more chores done and then trying to find time to sit down and write. Getting out the to park may go up on the lit too if the wind dies down. But what I really want to be able to do is to sit down and write. I would love to have an entire day dedicated to that. 8 hours straight. No worrying about a nutritious meal to make for little tummies, no being called to wipe a butt, no making sure my girls' eyes are spinning from watching too much television. Just eight hours to get something. hammered. out.
     My dream has always been to be a writer both of novels and of articles. I am so many thoughts going through my head at any given time during the day along with stories weaving their own way through my brain. And yet, sometimes, lately, I feel like I have nothing at all in my head. No thoughts worth getting out on paper at all. becoming a mother makes you focus on one thing, or at least has made me focus on one thing: mothering. All other thoughts besides the broken record that spins the Caillou theme song fly out the window the very moment they come in. It's like there isn't anything in my brain to hold on to them. Night used to be the greatest moment of my day when my brain would work on overtime in the imagination department. I dreamed up stories or articles, responses to teachers and parents and anyone else, possibly society in general. I came up with poems and prose. Sometimes the thoughts were so heavy that I would get out of bed again, turn on the light and writer everything I could down. Now my head hits the pillow and my body sinks heavily into my mattress and within seconds I am asleep. Gone is my insomnia. Thank hubby who makes me feel safe enough to sleep. You took away my imagination moment. Thanks children who make me so tired I sometimes don't even have enough thoughts left to pray before drifting off to sleep.
     The other night I was browsing my favorite forum, reading a post about working moms vs. SAHMs. It is interesting that many working moms seem to think that staying at home is a choice. While at this moment we are super blessed to not be strapped for cash, this was not always the case. The very idea of dressing for something other than the grocery store, the park and back home sounds thrilling. Going to a place where they pay you to check off this project, this project and this project all the while taking a lunch or coffee break with other adults sounds validating. Not to say that it isn't hard to be a working mom, but being a mom in general is hard, so putting the hardship aside, there are days that all I think about is getting back to work. Except that I don't know what work I would be getting back to. The secretarial job, the translating job or the writing novels job? Or will I be able one day to go out and launch a magazine for myself (digital, of course!).
   The future. It is an exciting word and yet also daunting because I still don't know my destiny. 2012 is supposed to be an amazing year. It will be an amazing year, I just wish I knew what was going to be so amazing about it! Although, it is quite amazing that I have actually almost finished editing my first book again. That in itself is amazing as I was interrupted about 50 times just trying to write this post!

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