In high school...

2:24 PM

One of Mama Kat's prompts this week is to tell what we were like in high school. I have been thinking about this all day long, because the first draft post I had going on in my head was only about one side of me. When I started thinking about some other things that I did while in high school, the two columns seemed to contradict themselves. And all of a sudden I felt like somehow I was thinking about two different people. Who knew I was so complicated? I say was because NOW I am not complicated at all. But that is for another post.

           Who was I in high school? Who was I from the outside in or the inside out? I find it hard to explain myself because the way that I remember me, the way that I saw myself then from the inside out completely contradicts some of the things that I did. First instance, I was shy. Very shy. And very self-conscious. I knew I was pretty on most days but I wanted to be HOT, like my best friend. I wanted to be FIERY, like my best friend. I wanted to be the person that everyone wants to have come to your party, like my best friend. But I knew I couldn't be that person, so I opted for being the emo/retro girl. I wore dresses made in the forties one day and then men's pants the next. It didn't help that all my money I earned went into dance team classes. I finally started learning to dance when I was 16 years old. Which is an odd thing for a shy person to do. But it was my desire to dance and it was a small studio. I felt safe there. And I had a blast! It became my haven 5 days a week. But it didn't help my wardrobe along. In fact that whole ballerina thing started seeping into my day wear. Shopping with my bestie helped get me some individual pieces that were nice, but I was never able to put them together like she was. I both loved and hated her borrowing my things. I loved seeing how she would wear it and I hated that she looked so much better in it.
            I had so very little confidence in myself that I broke up with my first boyfriend without really wanting to. I did it because I was so unsure of what to do in a relationship, even though I LOVED spending time with him and it felt wonderful to be with him, I was also so nervous about the idea that the very first time he confronted me on not saying hi to him after spring break (which is true. I sort of greeted all of my friends and breezily said hello to him. The school had a strict "no touching between male and female" policy so I was at a loss as to what to say to him. I figured we would say it to each other that afternoon, but he was offended by my coldness) I just got all flustered and told him it was over. SO BAD WITH CONFRONTATION. that was me. Is me. I immediately regretted it but was again too shy to admit that. He froze me out for over a year while still being in the same circle of friends. It was awkward.
             But I was too proud to admit that it had any effect on me at all. I was shy, but super proud. I hated confrontation but when the church affiliate cancelled prom a girl and I took up the task to do it ourselves. When we were hauled into the principle's office with false accusations from the youth pastor (whose job it was to plan prom but had dropped the ball) the other girl back down but I stood up in the face of the principle and told him to PROVE IT. Told him I was going to do it anyway and asked him just what he could do to stop it. I laid out all the plans, that were done in such a way that the Christian school would never be able to say that things weren't correct. We had parent chaperoning for crying out loud! He agreed with me. And I carried on without the other girl. But I wish I had done more. I wish I had stormed the church and told the youth pastor to prove his false accusations about my character. Instead I stopped going and went to another church.
               I had the balls to switch to a public school in senior year out of CHOICE. But I didn't have the ball to stay during lunch. I was so afraid of lunch time and sitting alone or maybe people pointing at my man pants that I started school at 7am, did five hours and then did a work-study program where I separated pig and cow DNA for the company that cloned the first cow. It was cool and it kept me from having to eat at school all alone. Just the thought give me the shivers.
            Geez, I am one contradicting girl. Was. Again, was. I am simple now. I think.

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