Sunday, May 17, 2015

Choosing a career path

When I was in high school I assumed I would be someone in business. I could imagine myself traveling with a briefcase. Going to meetings. Wearing high heels. Being a force to reckon with.

All considerations of the fact that I knew nothing about business aside....

Then I started to write and I imagined myself being a famous, brooding author. I could see myself being considered so beyond intellect and ....deep.....that my opinion would be sought after by all factions of life.

Then I saw myself as a photographer and write snapping the world around me and showing everyone else who didn't dare leave their couches what the world looked like.

Wow. I was a snob. I certainly thought a lot about myself.

I did none of those things though. When I met Principe and came to the point in life where I had to choose something more because I was choosing him, I ended up choosing translation. I told myself, and others, that I wanted to translate books. Mostly I said this because I didn't think I was good enough to write the books myself. I certainly didn't want to say it outloud and look foolish to everyone else by having a dream that was unreachable. Those I did tell told me just that: it was unreachable.

I dabbled in translation, working for a small firm before it went under. Then I did it freelance. Then I became a mother.....

During motherhood I have written two books and a half books, but haven't had time to edit, review and sell them. Over the years I have tried, but being across the Atlantic impeded me a bit.

Or perhaps it was my lack of self-esteem.

But being a mother has taken center stage as well as keeping my family above water while living in France. It takes more time to live in a foreign country. You must learn the language and culture and school system and medical system, etc. Especially if you are going to have a good time and meet people.

So, my career in on hold. But no longer. I have a determination I didn't have before.

And if I were to do it over? Perhaps I would wait a bit longer to have babies. They do take a lot of time. But most of all I would start reading and studying how to change habits and getting out of my ridiculous mindset of not being able to do things because I was a mother or living abroad. If I could do it over I would realize sooner that learning to increase my confidence is not demeaning, in fact it is smart. I would admit that reading for entertainment is okay, that writing for entertainment is okay and that not everything I write has to be a noble prize winner. Because, honestly, I've read some that aren't so great in my opinion. But it is just that. An opinion. And we all have different tastes and I shouldn't be stupid or snobby enough to think that mine is better than someone else's.

Or that someone else's is better than mine.

So now I am starting over. All the stories in my head that I deemed "not deep enough", "not intellectual enough" are coming out. They are being written out and thank God for digital format because they are going to be published. And anyone looking for an escape from the daily grind of feeding small mouths will have it. Perhaps I won't get a noble prize or be able to sniff at people in New York press conferences, but I will push entertainment into the daily grind for some. And that alone will make me happy!

My books will be a lot like a Happy Hour caipirinha in Paris...

Monday, April 27, 2015

blogger's block

I'm sure you've noticed. Maybe even to the point of no longer checking my blog.

I've hit a wall in blogging.

Not that I don't have anything to say.....but.....

It is more about what to say and not say. What is too much and what is not enough. I don't want to get too personal. I just don't feel comfortable with that. Yet.

But then i am a bit bored with the too impersonal stuff as well.

And then there is the small voice in my head that says, "No one is reading this anyway, so what is the point?"

Anyone else get that?

I don't really do it for the hundreds of readers, although of course it is nice to know someone is listening.

Honestly, sometimes I don't write BECAUSE of those who are reading. This is a bit like a diary except that many who read this know me. I am such a closed off person that I don't necessarily want those close to me knowing all my thoughts on everything. Strangers are easier to work with....

But then there is the problem some days of having tooooooooo much to say only to get writer's block the moment I sit in front of the computer. I can't tell you how many times I have opened a new page to write in the blog only to come back days later and still see it blank.

It also doesn't help that I kinda got sucked into a book series and would devote my spare time to reading that.

New things are coming. The air is shifting. And it could bring me oh so much stress if I let it. But I won't. Because I will be venting here. Stay tuned....